THE BEGINNING When a mother remarries, a steprelationship is created between her children and her new husband. The purpose of this book is to describe some of the contributions a stepfather can make to remarried family life, some of the common pitfalls in his path, some of the constructive alternatives he can choose, and some of the satisfactions he can enjoy. Coming from different living situations, past experiences, traditions, histories, and biological attachments, this man and these children are thrust into household intimacy and are expected to function together as a family unit. Harmoniously integrating all these differences is an ongoing challenge of stepfamily life. The task is neither simple nor easy. First socially and then psychologically, these new relationships can become extremely complex and confusing. Stepfamilies mix people up. At first, it is hard to figure out how to act and react, how to fit in and to get along. As with in-laws, steprelatives can be people one does not know, understand, or necessarily like that well. Suddenly, strangers become linked together as family. Learning to live with step ties takes time and patience. In-laws and steprelatives are both appendage relationships. They are created as a function of two people marrying or remarrying. In this process, the partners commit to some degree of consideration for each other’s extended family. Part of their unstated vow usually includes an acceptance of this commitment. "For the sake of my union with you, I will try to have a good relationship with your parents, and with your children. I didn’t marry you for them, but I married knowing they came attached to you, and you to them. Therefore, I will try to honor that attachment." The similarity between in-law and steprelationships ends, however, where the experience of daily living together and responsibility for daily care taking begins. During their courtship, couples usually discuss what stepfamily life will be like. Filled with love for each other and hope for a happy future, they rely on how they all get along before marriage to predict how they will get along afterwards. Role changes, however, change relationships. Once the fun-loving friend of their mother moves in and begins acting like a serious second parent, then the relationship changes for the stepchildren. Once the welcome children of his wife-to-be become a source of daily interference in his new marriage, then the relationship changes for the stepfather. None of them bargained for this friction in their relationship. What’s going wrong? Nothing. Reality is just setting in. They need to not take difficulties personally that are built into the dynamics of steprelationships, dynamics that are discussed throughout this book. They need to not guilt themselves and to not blame each other for what is no one’s fault. Confronting problems for which earlier experience has not prepared them, they all begin encountering some of the powerful tensions built into the fabric of stepfamily life. No matter how well-managed, as long as they all live together these tensions will never go away. Even when a man marries a woman with grown children who are now living on their own, some tensions from steprelationships can still impact the remarriage. For example, the adult children may treat the stepfather as a rival for the estate they expected to inherit. The stepfather may treat the stepchildren’s accustomed drop-in visits with their mother as an intrusion in the privacy of his new marriage. In cases where children are younger, a stepfather can still encounter problems he did not sign on for. For example, marrying a woman whose ex-husband has custody of her fifteen year old, the stepfather expects to have only occasional visitation contact with his stepchild. Then one day, the father calls to say he can no longer cope with his adolescent and wants to send the troubling child to live with the boy’s mother and her new husband. Remarriages with stepchildren must deal with much that was not anticipated. Born of loss from death or divorce; divided by a host of unfamiliar differences; and beset by conflicts over sharing, loyalty, jealousy, and competition; stepfamilies turn out to be much more challenging to live in than most remarriage partners usually anticipate. High hopes and good intentions are not enough to make this reconstituted family work. There is no point underestimating the difficulties that will be encountered. Realistic understanding is what is needed. The figures don’t lie. Although spousal death terminates a lot of marriages, divorce brings an end to most. About one half of first marriages divorce, the majority of single partners, many now with children, choosing to remarry. The rate of divorce for remarriages without children is higher than for first marriages, while the rate of divorce in remarriages with stepchildren is the highest of all (about seventy-five percent), a fact that has been partly attributed to the stress of steprelationships. Many stepfamilies can and do work well, but not without a lot of effort, understanding, tolerance, communication, and restraint. Every member has an important part to play, stepfathering the part under discussion here. Each section of this book examines one major facet of this complex and demanding role, explaining problems to beware and possibilities to develop. To know what to do right depends on understanding what can go wrong.